Where is the love?

Ahhhhh...the boy is sleeping and my hubby has gone off to the cinema..finally some space to blog....the thing that has been nagging at me all day is a curious one, and as I continue to ponder it, I feel less and less confident about sharing it here (mostly because it shows a side of me I am not proud of!) and I hope I won't lose readers but rather gain some followers who are glad it's me being honest & out there instead of them. And so here goes, in hopes of some sort of clarity or at least maybe some insightful input from you, my lovely readers. Ok. So, I have this client (I will call her Andi) who I photographed a year ago for her maternity pictures. When she came to my house last year, I was shocked at how she looked. She was about 8 months pregnant and though her belly was full, she looked like a twelve year old (except for her wrinkles on her face gave her age to be more like late 30's). I mean, she was SOOO tiny and frail looking. I am used to being a larger person among women most of the time but this was extreme. And when I photograph women late in their pregnancies, that is part of the beauty of it is all their lovely fullness and curves that come out to glow. I managed to get through the session and make her feel comfortable (I believe this truly) and she was genuinely pleased with the outcome of the shoot. I would communicate with her periodically throughout the year (I had agreed to let her use 1/2 roll of film for maternity & 1/2 for newborn shots which turned into 1 yr shots)and I was definitely aware that I felt some sort of trigger anytime she wrote me ( she is quite particular, but I am used to this in my line of work) and then today we met up for the rest of the pictures. All week long I was sort of dreading it and not exactly sure why, other than my normal nervousness before a session & knowing I wasn't making any more money on it (when we really could use it). I think I thought my dread was simply due to these reasons(& maybe that we didn't have that magic connection that I absolutely love about some of my clients' sessions). But when I saw her again today, I remembered why I had such a hard time being around her. I am genuinely uncomfortable around people that look so anorexically skinny to me! I don't know for a fact that she IS anorexic. I don't know her at all but I have several very thin friends & this feels completely different. Now, I realize that most of the issues surrounding eating disorders are similar whether one goes to the one extreme (anorexia) or the  other (Obesity/overeater/binger). I am still grappling with some of my own that have led me to binge or stuff emotions or try to have control over things so I do get it. But for some reason there is a disconnect from the usual, consciously non-judgemental & compassionate self that I strive to be, and I am so bothered by that! I can see people on the street who weigh 400 pounds and immediately feel their pain and send them peace and love without a second thought...or on TV (Biggest loser and so on) and cry for them and feel so thankful for their bravery and honesty...even a show about anorexia can lead me down this path...but up close and personal seems to be a different matter...I will say that while both Andi and her husband "Ethan" are small,( I even joked to my Steve that I could fit both of them in my own body, give or take a leg or so) they have (and adore) a lovely healthy looking sweet baby with plenty of chub to love ...but it is mostly Andi that triggers me...I wish I could say I feel an epiphany coming on from admitting this out in cyberspace, but I can't....I know this goes deeper but I will have to just try to stay open to the lesson about myself in all of this.....It must be a big one because I can't stop thinking about my reaction to this and my guilt over not being able to come back to the compassion I long to feel....maybe it's got something to do with this: as I learn to peel away all my own layers from years of covering and protecting in my own body, it is hard for me to see someone so clearly "unprotected", like a complete foil to the person who has been me.....I dunno, still working on this one........thoughts, insights,personal stories,criticsms (she says as she cringes)???

The honeymoon is over....

I have been in a virtually blissful state for the past 4 months concerning my food intake and overall life changes, forging ahead and happy that it has felt relatively easy peasy! Enter evil food cravings.  Over there is a heap of self loathing and doubt. Straight ahead look for bumps and curves in the road (body) that scream for repair! I guess it was bound to happen but I am so sick of my food choices (or lack thereof!). The truth is I can be making much more choices than I give myself because a) there are more grains and veggies to discover and explore if I would take the time and energy to prepare them, b) I haven't really put items back into my repertoire since starting the inflammation diet back in October and c) I could go get some more testing done to determine what foods I have sensitivity towards since I have not been feeling all that great even off all the main culprits (I sense there is something I still consume that isn't my friend!). And of course there is my oh-so-long-ago abandoned exercising self that deserves some time in the ring again. I am just frustrated. I ate a few bites of wheat and dairy the other day and also some sugar and guess what? I WAS A BEAR THIS MORNING! I seemed to have lost my peaceful state of mind that I was loving so much as of late....could be the full moon, could be my own moon cycle, or a host of other things but I am guessing that it is indeed, yep, almost sure it is, SUGAR & wheat & dairy...ugh!!! This too shall pass I know but for now I am just gonna let myself feel the frustration and hope that it leads to further commitment and strides forward. So, tell me ,dear readers, what have you fallen out of love with lately???

Baby steps in all directions....

Does not mean running in circles!! An overall confidence is building within me. I can feel it and I lovingly glance over at it and then softly smile to myself  a few times a day now. It's love, really. A love that is growing a little bit stronger and deeper each day.

 Yesterday in therapy, we discussed my procrastination & inevitable self criticism that follows, trying to get under it to the root. What came out was earth moving for me. A sort of Aha!. Not entirely surprising when you think about it, but it hit me to the core. Throughout my life I've done this circle dance where I know I want to do something (or take care of/start/finish something) but keep avoiding it and then every time I notice it or think about it, feel all kinds of bad about myself and get quickly "self-defeated" and drained. Well, after answering a few questions with my therapist, she showed me how I am just continually repeating the ways that I was parented in regards to handling a task or starting a project and so on. If I do something, I will tend to feel like "gee I could've probably done that better" or just not remember any sense of accomplishment I have felt before (therefore taking forever to get around to finishing anything). So, with this logic, deep inside somewhere I learned that a) The only way to get me to do something is to continually criticize myself and try to coerce myself until I get it done, and then b) tell myself that I didn't really succeed as it wasn't up to standards. Well, why the hell would ANYONE want to do anything if someone else was using this technique on them? What would be the point anyway, if only met by impossible-to-please expectations and disapproval. 

So, in learning this about myself, my job now is to work towards being a better parent to myself, creating a balance between  loving acceptance and inspiring crusader in all my moves towards change or accomplishment. It completely makes sense that I would have learned this way. From a young age, I haven't felt like I have been shown how to do things with this supportive energy, but rather told to do something and then fail miserably, only to be yelled at or pushed (but without the net below). I am not interested in blaming my parents these days, instead wanting  deeper understanding so as to keep re-working what hasn't worked for me and try very hard NOT to pass it on to my own child. So here the work really begins...but as with most things, baby steps will get me there and I will be all the better for it, if I take my time and stay conscious and clear about what matters- LOVE ABOVE ALL ELSE!

The play's the thing...

I have been feeling a bit scattered lately and haven't been able to pin myself down to blog. Many little thoughts have crossed my mind and would've been fine blog entries but it seems they always escape me before I find the time to sit down and type. So here I am today, still not sure what to write about but need to just say Hi so that maybe I get out of my slump. I have actually been a bit more productive except for the occasional FB frenzy that seems to keep me from getting anything truly crossed off my to-do list. I was in a bit of a whirlwind of productivity this past week (a large feat considering my son was off of school all week!) but now I think I am just burnt from being "on" all week (even this weekend as my hubby was ill).  I do want to say that I accomplished something very important this week worth mentioning: I played with my son. Some of you might not think that 's a big deal. But I am not one of those moms that plays a lot with their kids, I am a strong nurturer but have a hard time just sitting down and playing for long periods of time. I wish this wasn't the case but I get bored or start thinking about what else I should be doing.The sad thing is that when I was a nanny, I played so much more easily. And those weren't my own kids! I don't think my mom played with me much either. It's not a part of parenting that I am proud of and it's hard to admit, because it breaks my heart to hear Julian say "please play with me, Mama." Especially if I don't then drop what I am doing and jump at this chance....but I am trying...and this past week, I will say that I really did play with him a lot! and it was fun. The house is more of a wreck this week but my kid is happy and so am I. Dishes and laundry can wait, after all. And now I look behind me and sweet hubby is doing them as I blog!