Changes, changes, changes?

I have very little words right now. I just watched the inauguration and then  read this and feel moved in many different directions. I am filled with hope, joy, and also a little fear. I try not to let fear take over any real part of my daily life but it is there. I imagine it is a normal thing to have fear when change is occurring, not just about the eventual outcome of any particular situation, but also in the interim. A fear of not moving, staying stagnant, or even going backwards. On a national level, the change is HUGE and does show us all that our country is growing. But there is still so far to go and it is hard to stay in the moments of joy at the current level of our progress (or maybe it's easy and that is what scares me) and not look at what still needs to be done and recognized, both in the hard work of reformation of our current state of government/world affairs/etc. and also at the injustices still brewing today against oppressed people right here in the USA. Namely the gay community. It's a tricky place to be in. I liken it to how I feel about more personal issues in my emotional world: Feeling optimistic about where things are going and the possibility of what can be, but also the fear that the integrity or expectations of the goals will somehow become minimized or relaxed. It is vital to hang onto the importance of my needs and the work that can be done. I am worth it. My relationships are worth it! and by golly, our country (all people) are worth it! Damn it, I am fighting the good fight and staying the course! I hope that Our President, et al will do the same!!!

Is it Friday yet? and what does that mean,anyway?

I need a vacation from my job. you know how it goes when you feel like you are just running through the motions, kind of phoning it in and not really aware or caring about the outcome. It's not that you don't enjoy your job on the whole or care about the future of your company or product, you are just a bit burned out and not able to be "the best at what you do" at the moment. It's time for a vacation. But what if your job is a 24/7 sort of deal? Then what? This is my job as a mother of a small child. I really love the work overall and wouldn't change it for any other. I am just feeling like I am not able to bring my top self to the position right now. Maybe it's because we as mothers (well, parents but let's be honest, primarily mothers are on duty at all times!) don't get the weekends off to rejuvenate for the week ahead. I try in my world to be a conscientious person and especially when it comes to my kid, I aim to be respectful and connected in my parenting style. But lately, I feel so all over the place in all things that being present and "mindful" has become an even bigger drain than I thought possible. And it's not J, believe me, if anything he is blossoming in new ways that make the delightfulness in parenting even more so. It's just me. And I really don't like being average at this job. I wanted this one more than anything else in my life ever. And now I have it and am eternally grateful. The problem is, if I had a job evaluation tomorrow (where surely I am the Boss reviewing it all, as I am my worse critic), I don't think I would get a lot of bonuses or praise, more likely at long list of "challenges" or "potentials". I don't need to be the straight A, overachiever, Type A kind of mommy either. Just wanna feel like I am giving the best that I can in any given situation. and I don't right now. Sure wish they would hand out paid vacations for Mamas. I think the world would be a better place if they did. Not only on a small scale at home, but man, If mamas were recognized that way on a global level, there would be this monumental glow all over the world. Anyway, so if there is a request box out there somewhere for mom's vacation needs, sign me up. I am ready and will be all the better for it. 

The (Un)social butterfly in me

So one of my friends was asking me what my weekend plans were and I replied, "I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon, and that's all..." then I smiled and added, "Just the way I like it!". She smiled back and said "man,  you have changed so much." and you know what, she is SO right. I was the queen of plans not so long ago. I mean, the kind of person who would have something like 5 or 7 things put into my day (never exercise, somehow) or at least in a weekend, plus something going on almost every night. And this was only maybe a year or so ago. But around January of 2008, I started to "go inside" and let a lot of my plans and obligations fall away. I was a little depressed but mostly just needed to go to the extreme opposite of where I had been. Pull in those boundaries and just concentrate on myself and my family and really take some down time, only venturing out when I really felt like it or absolutely had to go to an event. I don't mean I was some crazy lady who stayed in her bathrobe all day and ordered all her things including groceries online, though at times that did sound appealing. I just didn't need all the social engagements I used to participate in regularly. I quit all my book and movie clubs. I stopped raising my hands to volunteer for every little thing that came up. Just started saying "NO" to a lot. I let my friends know that it wasn't personal if I declined any number of invitations, just taking care of myself right now. It was a really good thing for me to do. And it lasted almost a year, and then slowly, I felt more up to doing more things socially. But truthfully, I still don't do nearly what I used to, we stay home a lot and I tend to like it that way, just puttering around the house or cooking or baking or watching a movie. It's way cheaper and my hubby and son are just natural born homebodies so I am fitting in just fine. The weekend feel more sacred to me now, a time to pull in from the week and just BE with my lovelies. I do feel a little sad sometimes that some of my friends have given up asking or thinking of me when making a social plan, and yes, I can ask too but mostly I am happy to be way more In than Out. Maybe it comes with age, who knows...but I will take my Un-crowded life any day....

PS Photo found on Flickr by someone called Moonbird and is titled "Time to go within".

Getting on the Hay ride

So this year started out a little surprising to me. I mean, once I really thought about it, it wasn't so surprising as I had been seeking and asking for more truth from the Universe but it hit me like a ton of bricks the evening of New Year's Day! I do not intend to share everything in my world here, but I will say that my eyes opened to some real truths in my life that I had been, thus far, managing to not truly see until this new year. I have been working to be more open and aware but just didn't expect such an Aha! moment so quickly. But there it was and I felt devastated for the next 24 hours. But then, through some wise words of a dear friend and through my own sense deep inside, I realized that I can take a positive approach to all that is coming up and see that, though there will be some very challenging times throughout this year, the year is about changing and opening further and living more authentically. There are so many opportunities here to be explored, ones that require a good deal of compassion and bravery but can push limits to their fullest potential. I am not trying to be so cryptic, I just have to keep some things to myself for now and also feel that you can all use these words to fill in your own _______s. I know that things in my life need to change but it often in that interim that is the hardest part of it all. Last night I watched the movie "you can heal  your life" based on the principles put out there in the Louise Hay book of the same name, only this movie had her and others, with very personal accounts of their own journey. I know that lots of people LOVED the  "what the bleep" and "the secret" movies, but they were a little too hokey for me, particularly the former. This one was lovely and very heart-centered and just furthered my positive twist on all things lately. If you have a hankering to spend 90 minutes watching something that fills you up with good ju-ju , I recommend this one. I am gonna spend more time looking over my books by LH and find the affirmations that speak to me right now.....have a lovely, hooey wooey day!

My fun mosaic for the new year

My friend Jen did this great mosaic on her blog, and she got it from this blog, and I just had to do it myself to see what I came up with and it turns out- I really like it! so it's going in here! You can learn how to do this here, and it did take me a long time and I will be honest and say that I didn't adhere strictly to the rules (i.e. changed wording a few times, didn't always find the image on the first page) but still I created something and made it what I wanted it to be...make yours YOURS as well...Enjoy! So here are the questions that relate to each picture (hint: make your answers as brief in words as possible order to find an image to match):

1. looking back on 2008, what might the theme have been?
2. If 2008 was a movie, who would play you?
3. what is your greatest gift of 2008?
4. what is your new year resolution, or what are you committing to this year?
5. If January could be represented by one song, what would it be?
6. What do you wish for your body in 2009?
7. Name one new thing you would love to try in the new year.
8. What do you long for 2009 to bring?
9. If that happened, how would you feel?
10. Where would you love to vacation in 2009 if money were no object?
11. What would you like the theme of 2009 to be?
12. If 2009 was a book, and the title was 5 words or less, what might the title be?