Baby steps in all directions....

Does not mean running in circles!! An overall confidence is building within me. I can feel it and I lovingly glance over at it and then softly smile to myself  a few times a day now. It's love, really. A love that is growing a little bit stronger and deeper each day.

 Yesterday in therapy, we discussed my procrastination & inevitable self criticism that follows, trying to get under it to the root. What came out was earth moving for me. A sort of Aha!. Not entirely surprising when you think about it, but it hit me to the core. Throughout my life I've done this circle dance where I know I want to do something (or take care of/start/finish something) but keep avoiding it and then every time I notice it or think about it, feel all kinds of bad about myself and get quickly "self-defeated" and drained. Well, after answering a few questions with my therapist, she showed me how I am just continually repeating the ways that I was parented in regards to handling a task or starting a project and so on. If I do something, I will tend to feel like "gee I could've probably done that better" or just not remember any sense of accomplishment I have felt before (therefore taking forever to get around to finishing anything). So, with this logic, deep inside somewhere I learned that a) The only way to get me to do something is to continually criticize myself and try to coerce myself until I get it done, and then b) tell myself that I didn't really succeed as it wasn't up to standards. Well, why the hell would ANYONE want to do anything if someone else was using this technique on them? What would be the point anyway, if only met by impossible-to-please expectations and disapproval. 

So, in learning this about myself, my job now is to work towards being a better parent to myself, creating a balance between  loving acceptance and inspiring crusader in all my moves towards change or accomplishment. It completely makes sense that I would have learned this way. From a young age, I haven't felt like I have been shown how to do things with this supportive energy, but rather told to do something and then fail miserably, only to be yelled at or pushed (but without the net below). I am not interested in blaming my parents these days, instead wanting  deeper understanding so as to keep re-working what hasn't worked for me and try very hard NOT to pass it on to my own child. So here the work really begins...but as with most things, baby steps will get me there and I will be all the better for it, if I take my time and stay conscious and clear about what matters- LOVE ABOVE ALL ELSE!