I love this woman!!

Today my lovely dear heart of a friend, C, and I decided to make some muffins. We have been planning to do some baking with alternative ingredients for ages and kept trying to make it happen, but as with many other things, it usually doesn't happen if we plan it and mostly only when the mood strikes us (and she pushes me a little too-thank you C!) Since I am eating gluten free, dairy free and sugar free (at least to the best of my abilities), we had a challenge before us. But we happened upon THIS amazing website and just went for it. There are many wonderful looking recipes here and I can't wait to try as many of them as possible, but today we went for the carrot cake, sort of. We made it as muffins and sub'd some of the carrot with Zucchini, and used walnut oil instead of grapeseed. We also didn't bother making the frosting (although that would be amazing to try next time!). These came out delicious...not sweet at all...next time we might even try to sweeten them up a bit more but the levels of flavor and texture are wonderful and this is a hardy muffin to boot. The woman who has made all of these lovely foods (Elana) is a goddess. I have been wanting to make something with coconut flour for a while now but couldn't figure out how to convert the recipes in this book to use agave or another alternative liquid sweetener instead of sugar or stevia (I am not a fan) but Elana has done this with so many yummy sounding treats, I can't wait to try them....the trick now will be a) not going nuts on baking things that still DO have fat and calories and b) being able to afford all the alternative ingredients (though my pantry is better stocked than some I suppose). But really this feels like just the inspiration I have needed to get unstuck in the kitchen again. I have been in a slump for a while. I have found other sites that I like too, but this one seems exceptional to me. I wonder if any of you have any favorites, food-wise or not, that really inspire you and get you going??

Get Out!!!!

Why must our mothers get so far into our heads? I feel like I have been doing fairly well lately as far as letting the small stuff go in regards to my relationship with my mother. I am 40 years old after all, you'd think that with so many years of processing what's mine and what's not, I'd be able to just let go and feel confident enough within myself so as not to be affected by ANYTHING my mother says or does. It was going along pretty smoothly too. Easily deflecting any biting or annoying remarks through humor or deep breaths or both. So why is that when I am feeling particularly shaky on the edge of that cliff called  self esteem, that THAT is when my mom decides I need more weight on my shoulders and lays one on me? It doesn't even matter that some of what she says may be true. It usually is. But it's the fact that whatever she is saying conveys a certain feeling that her confidence in me & my abilities is still ice thin and could shatter at any moment. Once again feeling that her love is conditional. In the sane part of me, I realize that this is just her stuff (fears,anxiety,lack of her own drama,etc) but the part of me that becomes insane feels like a little girl and a monster rolled up into one and I wanna scream, "Why can't you just love me and know that I will always be more than enough, come what may?!!" Part of our job in life is to make mistakes and (hopefully) learn from them and continue on in this manner. I know that she has seen me make some of the same mistakes over and over. I get that this is where some of her concerns come from, but I mean, really, I am not a total jerk, not strung out on drugs, or irresponsible in any major way that affects others and I always try to take responsibility for my actions, no matter what the outcome. And I rarely ask HER for anything anymore. I even said to her, "Why do you say these things and hound me about stuff I haven't completed yet? Don't you know that I already go over this in my own head every day? I don't do this to you, EVER." I long so much to just have a friendship with my  mother, like my other lovely friends with whom I share a confidence and love that is always uplifting and supportive and never demeaning and fear based. As one lovely soul told me today "It is your mom's pain and unconsciousness. You are perfect just the way you are." I realized that this is very true and in my heart of hearts I KNOW this, but does it ever get any easier when the one bringing you down is your mother????