Saturday, February 21, 2009
Where is the love?
Ahhhhh...the boy is sleeping and my hubby has gone off to the cinema..finally some space to blog....the thing that has been nagging at me all day is a curious one, and as I continue to ponder it, I feel less and less confident about sharing it here (mostly because it shows a side of me I am not proud of!) and I hope I won't lose readers but rather gain some followers who are glad it's me being honest & out there instead of them. And so here goes, in hopes of some sort of clarity or at least maybe some insightful input from you, my lovely readers. Ok. So, I have this client (I will call her Andi) who I photographed a year ago for her maternity pictures. When she came to my house last year, I was shocked at how she looked. She was about 8 months pregnant and though her belly was full, she looked like a twelve year old (except for her wrinkles on her face gave her age to be more like late 30's). I mean, she was SOOO tiny and frail looking. I am used to being a larger person among women most of the time but this was extreme. And when I photograph women late in their pregnancies, that is part of the beauty of it is all their lovely fullness and curves that come out to glow. I managed to get through the session and make her feel comfortable (I believe this truly) and she was genuinely pleased with the outcome of the shoot. I would communicate with her periodically throughout the year (I had agreed to let her use 1/2 roll of film for maternity & 1/2 for newborn shots which turned into 1 yr shots)and I was definitely aware that I felt some sort of trigger anytime she wrote me ( she is quite particular, but I am used to this in my line of work) and then today we met up for the rest of the pictures. All week long I was sort of dreading it and not exactly sure why, other than my normal nervousness before a session & knowing I wasn't making any more money on it (when we really could use it). I think I thought my dread was simply due to these reasons(& maybe that we didn't have that magic connection that I absolutely love about some of my clients' sessions). But when I saw her again today, I remembered why I had such a hard time being around her. I am genuinely uncomfortable around people that look so anorexically skinny to me! I don't know for a fact that she IS anorexic. I don't know her at all but I have several very thin friends & this feels completely different. Now, I realize that most of the issues surrounding eating disorders are similar whether one goes to the one extreme (anorexia) or the other (Obesity/overeater/binger). I am still grappling with some of my own that have led me to binge or stuff emotions or try to have control over things so I do get it. But for some reason there is a disconnect from the usual, consciously non-judgemental & compassionate self that I strive to be, and I am so bothered by that! I can see people on the street who weigh 400 pounds and immediately feel their pain and send them peace and love without a second thought...or on TV (Biggest loser and so on) and cry for them and feel so thankful for their bravery and honesty...even a show about anorexia can lead me down this path...but up close and personal seems to be a different matter...I will say that while both Andi and her husband "Ethan" are small,( I even joked to my Steve that I could fit both of them in my own body, give or take a leg or so) they have (and adore) a lovely healthy looking sweet baby with plenty of chub to love ...but it is mostly Andi that triggers me...I wish I could say I feel an epiphany coming on from admitting this out in cyberspace, but I can't....I know this goes deeper but I will have to just try to stay open to the lesson about myself in all of this.....It must be a big one because I can't stop thinking about my reaction to this and my guilt over not being able to come back to the compassion I long to feel....maybe it's got something to do with this: as I learn to peel away all my own layers from years of covering and protecting in my own body, it is hard for me to see someone so clearly "unprotected", like a complete foil to the person who has been me.....I dunno, still working on this one........thoughts, insights,personal stories,criticsms (she says as she cringes)???
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3 comments:
you are very brave for posting this. i mean to actually own up and voice your prejudices is very unusual. i applaud you for it. there are a gazillion people in the world who hold their own judgments as a way of life and if we all owned up to them, as you are, i believe the world would be a much better and tolerable place.
I agree with Leslie. We all have those prejudices that pop out from time to time.
I am actually taking a Psychology of Stigma and Prejudice class that is pretty interesting.
I also think there is probably something else going on energetically with you and this woman...sometimes we just don't connect with people and that is ok!
I think that, as counterintuitive as it seems, we tend to judge others around issues with which we struggle most, consciously or not. Maybe because you are so honest about your struggle with food at the other end of the spectrum, you can empathize with others like you, but aren't able to wrap your mind around how someone could find comfort by NOT eating. I believe she is just as protected as you are by her thinness. It keeps people at a safe distance.
Remember when I was so sick this summer and got kind of icky thin? People kept telling me I looked great. I wanted to kick them in the shins and scream, "I'm starving, you moron!" There's something really wrong with our society, but you are definitely not part of the problem! In fact, dialogue like this is part of the solution. (And I'm happy to report I've gained ten pounds.)
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