Monday, November 23, 2009

The Feast of all feasts

Well, hello. It's been a while, huh?! I hope to get back to writing more regularly but I guess I have just been more internal as of late, and when I am outward it is on a more one to one basis, with a loved one or a therapist of various kinds, so for now I just wanted to share a poem that I wrote many years ago but when I came across it today in a cluttered drawer, I felt the need to share it on this week of Thanksgiving. May each and every one of you have a glorious, deeply fulfilling holiday!

I smile when I think about My "Feast of all feasts". It would be a very special night, for all around me at the table sit my loved ones, my family. Some from my family of origin, some my chosen family~but in all, those I hold dearest in my heart & with whom I feel the most comfortable being "Me". The circle around the table has no room for gossip or judgements, no place set for ill will and negative reinforcements~ Only large helpings of love, respect, compassion & kindness. Plenty of understanding & awareness, and an abundance of goodwill and joy at each place. I feel warm & enveloped in this banquet, this feast of familial bonds. Finally my hunger is gone, my needs are filled, my plate is full & I crave nothing more. I am nourished and never need to deprive or binge again~ It is all there in perfect proportions. Balanced and Whole.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

What I am

As I am continuing to work on areas of self acceptance, I sometimes feel like I am walking in a landmine....just as I start to think I have gotten those demeaning voices out of my head, I realize they are lurking just around the bend in a different form but still super powered and stealthy...I go about my day, feeling like I have nothing to show for it but that frame of mind doesn't serve me and I would like to let it go.... so for today I am just going to try to be. I am going to let myself know that while I may be a hugely complicated, variety of things (read: energies, ideas, emotions, etc.), I don't need to place my value on all things exterior...deep inside is what counts and where all that great stuff is...

I am not a sink full of dirty dishes and a sticky kitchen floor
I am  not piles of laundry that have yet to be done and put away
I am not the closets waiting to be organized
I am not messy desk or the paperwork to file
I am not all those recipes that haven't been explored yet
I am not the phone calls I do or don't make
I am not my current stained, wrinkled "Goodwill worthy" wardrobe 
I am not the times I don't floss or exercise or say the right thing
I am not bills not attended to or budget out of whack
I am not losing or gaining weight
I am not a "productive" day

I am a deep, kind, thinking, feeling, loving, living,soul-searching being

there is where the value is and has always been...see it...believe it...embrace it....

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

leaving stones unturned


I have an interesting homework assignment from my new therapist: Leaving some stones unturned. During our session, our first I might add, I began to unravel the ball of yarn that is my past, along with revealing that I have a tendency to constantly keep tabs on myself (i.e. continually turn over more and more "stones" to pile up all the things "unfinished", whether that be chores in my everyday life or more importantly, those things that are still a work in progress in the development of my own self worth/self love), making it all the harder not to feel like I am never doing/being enough! So she suggested that I try to have one day  in the next week where I take a break. Stop turning over stones. Let them all be and just be OK with where I am in each moment of that day. And even if I can't totally do that, then to see what comes up for me as I  try to quiet that inner voice that immediately wants to defeat/belittle/bully myself, gain some insight that way. It is such a strange thing to think that it will be a huge challenge for me to do this. I really want to. I am up to that task. And a little sad that this should even be such an issue for me. Yet, I am ready and willing to do this assignment (it speaks to my competitive, good student self when put into these terms, but whatever gets you there, right?) and most assuredly, I am excited and ready for my new counselling journey...I feel that this will be one of the most important ones I will ever go on.... I can just feel it....

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Naked acceptance

Just a quickie but had to share this sweet example of someone offering love & acceptance while still being able to voice fears or apprehensions. 

As I am standing stark naked in the bathroom, facing my son after we have just emerged from  a shared  bath:

J: I don't like your scar on your tummy...or your belly button mama!

Me: That's OK honey, do they scare you?

J: Yes, a little.
(Then he looks me up and down and then meets my eyes and says,)

J: I really like the rest of you though, just not those parts!

I can live with that!!!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I love this woman!!

Today my lovely dear heart of a friend, C, and I decided to make some muffins. We have been planning to do some baking with alternative ingredients for ages and kept trying to make it happen, but as with many other things, it usually doesn't happen if we plan it and mostly only when the mood strikes us (and she pushes me a little too-thank you C!) Since I am eating gluten free, dairy free and sugar free (at least to the best of my abilities), we had a challenge before us. But we happened upon THIS amazing website and just went for it. There are many wonderful looking recipes here and I can't wait to try as many of them as possible, but today we went for the carrot cake, sort of. We made it as muffins and sub'd some of the carrot with Zucchini, and used walnut oil instead of grapeseed. We also didn't bother making the frosting (although that would be amazing to try next time!). These came out delicious...not sweet at all...next time we might even try to sweeten them up a bit more but the levels of flavor and texture are wonderful and this is a hardy muffin to boot. The woman who has made all of these lovely foods (Elana) is a goddess. I have been wanting to make something with coconut flour for a while now but couldn't figure out how to convert the recipes in this book to use agave or another alternative liquid sweetener instead of sugar or stevia (I am not a fan) but Elana has done this with so many yummy sounding treats, I can't wait to try them....the trick now will be a) not going nuts on baking things that still DO have fat and calories and b) being able to afford all the alternative ingredients (though my pantry is better stocked than some I suppose). But really this feels like just the inspiration I have needed to get unstuck in the kitchen again. I have been in a slump for a while. I have found other sites that I like too, but this one seems exceptional to me. I wonder if any of you have any favorites, food-wise or not, that really inspire you and get you going??

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Get Out!!!!

Why must our mothers get so far into our heads? I feel like I have been doing fairly well lately as far as letting the small stuff go in regards to my relationship with my mother. I am 40 years old after all, you'd think that with so many years of processing what's mine and what's not, I'd be able to just let go and feel confident enough within myself so as not to be affected by ANYTHING my mother says or does. It was going along pretty smoothly too. Easily deflecting any biting or annoying remarks through humor or deep breaths or both. So why is that when I am feeling particularly shaky on the edge of that cliff called  self esteem, that THAT is when my mom decides I need more weight on my shoulders and lays one on me? It doesn't even matter that some of what she says may be true. It usually is. But it's the fact that whatever she is saying conveys a certain feeling that her confidence in me & my abilities is still ice thin and could shatter at any moment. Once again feeling that her love is conditional. In the sane part of me, I realize that this is just her stuff (fears,anxiety,lack of her own drama,etc) but the part of me that becomes insane feels like a little girl and a monster rolled up into one and I wanna scream, "Why can't you just love me and know that I will always be more than enough, come what may?!!" Part of our job in life is to make mistakes and (hopefully) learn from them and continue on in this manner. I know that she has seen me make some of the same mistakes over and over. I get that this is where some of her concerns come from, but I mean, really, I am not a total jerk, not strung out on drugs, or irresponsible in any major way that affects others and I always try to take responsibility for my actions, no matter what the outcome. And I rarely ask HER for anything anymore. I even said to her, "Why do you say these things and hound me about stuff I haven't completed yet? Don't you know that I already go over this in my own head every day? I don't do this to you, EVER." I long so much to just have a friendship with my  mother, like my other lovely friends with whom I share a confidence and love that is always uplifting and supportive and never demeaning and fear based. As one lovely soul told me today "It is your mom's pain and unconsciousness. You are perfect just the way you are." I realized that this is very true and in my heart of hearts I KNOW this, but does it ever get any easier when the one bringing you down is your mother????

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Where is the love?

Ahhhhh...the boy is sleeping and my hubby has gone off to the cinema..finally some space to blog....the thing that has been nagging at me all day is a curious one, and as I continue to ponder it, I feel less and less confident about sharing it here (mostly because it shows a side of me I am not proud of!) and I hope I won't lose readers but rather gain some followers who are glad it's me being honest & out there instead of them. And so here goes, in hopes of some sort of clarity or at least maybe some insightful input from you, my lovely readers. Ok. So, I have this client (I will call her Andi) who I photographed a year ago for her maternity pictures. When she came to my house last year, I was shocked at how she looked. She was about 8 months pregnant and though her belly was full, she looked like a twelve year old (except for her wrinkles on her face gave her age to be more like late 30's). I mean, she was SOOO tiny and frail looking. I am used to being a larger person among women most of the time but this was extreme. And when I photograph women late in their pregnancies, that is part of the beauty of it is all their lovely fullness and curves that come out to glow. I managed to get through the session and make her feel comfortable (I believe this truly) and she was genuinely pleased with the outcome of the shoot. I would communicate with her periodically throughout the year (I had agreed to let her use 1/2 roll of film for maternity & 1/2 for newborn shots which turned into 1 yr shots)and I was definitely aware that I felt some sort of trigger anytime she wrote me ( she is quite particular, but I am used to this in my line of work) and then today we met up for the rest of the pictures. All week long I was sort of dreading it and not exactly sure why, other than my normal nervousness before a session & knowing I wasn't making any more money on it (when we really could use it). I think I thought my dread was simply due to these reasons(& maybe that we didn't have that magic connection that I absolutely love about some of my clients' sessions). But when I saw her again today, I remembered why I had such a hard time being around her. I am genuinely uncomfortable around people that look so anorexically skinny to me! I don't know for a fact that she IS anorexic. I don't know her at all but I have several very thin friends & this feels completely different. Now, I realize that most of the issues surrounding eating disorders are similar whether one goes to the one extreme (anorexia) or the  other (Obesity/overeater/binger). I am still grappling with some of my own that have led me to binge or stuff emotions or try to have control over things so I do get it. But for some reason there is a disconnect from the usual, consciously non-judgemental & compassionate self that I strive to be, and I am so bothered by that! I can see people on the street who weigh 400 pounds and immediately feel their pain and send them peace and love without a second thought...or on TV (Biggest loser and so on) and cry for them and feel so thankful for their bravery and honesty...even a show about anorexia can lead me down this path...but up close and personal seems to be a different matter...I will say that while both Andi and her husband "Ethan" are small,( I even joked to my Steve that I could fit both of them in my own body, give or take a leg or so) they have (and adore) a lovely healthy looking sweet baby with plenty of chub to love ...but it is mostly Andi that triggers me...I wish I could say I feel an epiphany coming on from admitting this out in cyberspace, but I can't....I know this goes deeper but I will have to just try to stay open to the lesson about myself in all of this.....It must be a big one because I can't stop thinking about my reaction to this and my guilt over not being able to come back to the compassion I long to feel....maybe it's got something to do with this: as I learn to peel away all my own layers from years of covering and protecting in my own body, it is hard for me to see someone so clearly "unprotected", like a complete foil to the person who has been me.....I dunno, still working on this one........thoughts, insights,personal stories,criticsms (she says as she cringes)???

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The honeymoon is over....

I have been in a virtually blissful state for the past 4 months concerning my food intake and overall life changes, forging ahead and happy that it has felt relatively easy peasy! Enter evil food cravings.  Over there is a heap of self loathing and doubt. Straight ahead look for bumps and curves in the road (body) that scream for repair! I guess it was bound to happen but I am so sick of my food choices (or lack thereof!). The truth is I can be making much more choices than I give myself because a) there are more grains and veggies to discover and explore if I would take the time and energy to prepare them, b) I haven't really put items back into my repertoire since starting the inflammation diet back in October and c) I could go get some more testing done to determine what foods I have sensitivity towards since I have not been feeling all that great even off all the main culprits (I sense there is something I still consume that isn't my friend!). And of course there is my oh-so-long-ago abandoned exercising self that deserves some time in the ring again. I am just frustrated. I ate a few bites of wheat and dairy the other day and also some sugar and guess what? I WAS A BEAR THIS MORNING! I seemed to have lost my peaceful state of mind that I was loving so much as of late....could be the full moon, could be my own moon cycle, or a host of other things but I am guessing that it is indeed, yep, almost sure it is, SUGAR & wheat & dairy...ugh!!! This too shall pass I know but for now I am just gonna let myself feel the frustration and hope that it leads to further commitment and strides forward. So, tell me ,dear readers, what have you fallen out of love with lately???

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Baby steps in all directions....

Does not mean running in circles!! An overall confidence is building within me. I can feel it and I lovingly glance over at it and then softly smile to myself  a few times a day now. It's love, really. A love that is growing a little bit stronger and deeper each day.
 Yesterday in therapy, we discussed my procrastination & inevitable self criticism that follows, trying to get under it to the root. What came out was earth moving for me. A sort of Aha!. Not entirely surprising when you think about it, but it hit me to the core. Throughout my life I've done this circle dance where I know I want to do something (or take care of/start/finish something) but keep avoiding it and then every time I notice it or think about it, feel all kinds of bad about myself and get quickly "self-defeated" and drained. Well, after answering a few questions with my therapist, she showed me how I am just continually repeating the ways that I was parented in regards to handling a task or starting a project and so on. If I do something, I will tend to feel like "gee I could've probably done that better" or just not remember any sense of accomplishment I have felt before (therefore taking forever to get around to finishing anything). So, with this logic, deep inside somewhere I learned that a) The only way to get me to do something is to continually criticize myself and try to coerce myself until I get it done, and then b) tell myself that I didn't really succeed as it wasn't up to standards. Well, why the hell would ANYONE want to do anything if someone else was using this technique on them? What would be the point anyway, if only met by impossible-to-please expectations and disapproval. 
So, in learning this about myself, my job now is to work towards being a better parent to myself, creating a balance between  loving acceptance and inspiring crusader in all my moves towards change or accomplishment. It completely makes sense that I would have learned this way. From a young age, I haven't felt like I have been shown how to do things with this supportive energy, but rather told to do something and then fail miserably, only to be yelled at or pushed (but without the net below). I am not interested in blaming my parents these days, instead wanting  deeper understanding so as to keep re-working what hasn't worked for me and try very hard NOT to pass it on to my own child. So here the work really begins...but as with most things, baby steps will get me there and I will be all the better for it, if I take my time and stay conscious and clear about what matters- LOVE ABOVE ALL ELSE!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

The play's the thing...

I have been feeling a bit scattered lately and haven't been able to pin myself down to blog. Many little thoughts have crossed my mind and would've been fine blog entries but it seems they always escape me before I find the time to sit down and type. So here I am today, still not sure what to write about but need to just say Hi so that maybe I get out of my slump. I have actually been a bit more productive except for the occasional FB frenzy that seems to keep me from getting anything truly crossed off my to-do list. I was in a bit of a whirlwind of productivity this past week (a large feat considering my son was off of school all week!) but now I think I am just burnt from being "on" all week (even this weekend as my hubby was ill).  I do want to say that I accomplished something very important this week worth mentioning: I played with my son. Some of you might not think that 's a big deal. But I am not one of those moms that plays a lot with their kids, I am a strong nurturer but have a hard time just sitting down and playing for long periods of time. I wish this wasn't the case but I get bored or start thinking about what else I should be doing.The sad thing is that when I was a nanny, I played so much more easily. And those weren't my own kids! I don't think my mom played with me much either. It's not a part of parenting that I am proud of and it's hard to admit, because it breaks my heart to hear Julian say "please play with me, Mama." Especially if I don't then drop what I am doing and jump at this chance....but I am trying...and this past week, I will say that I really did play with him a lot! and it was fun. The house is more of a wreck this week but my kid is happy and so am I. Dishes and laundry can wait, after all. And now I look behind me and sweet hubby is doing them as I blog! 

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Changes, changes, changes?

I have very little words right now. I just watched the inauguration and then  read this and feel moved in many different directions. I am filled with hope, joy, and also a little fear. I try not to let fear take over any real part of my daily life but it is there. I imagine it is a normal thing to have fear when change is occurring, not just about the eventual outcome of any particular situation, but also in the interim. A fear of not moving, staying stagnant, or even going backwards. On a national level, the change is HUGE and does show us all that our country is growing. But there is still so far to go and it is hard to stay in the moments of joy at the current level of our progress (or maybe it's easy and that is what scares me) and not look at what still needs to be done and recognized, both in the hard work of reformation of our current state of government/world affairs/etc. and also at the injustices still brewing today against oppressed people right here in the USA. Namely the gay community. It's a tricky place to be in. I liken it to how I feel about more personal issues in my emotional world: Feeling optimistic about where things are going and the possibility of what can be, but also the fear that the integrity or expectations of the goals will somehow become minimized or relaxed. It is vital to hang onto the importance of my needs and the work that can be done. I am worth it. My relationships are worth it! and by golly, our country (all people) are worth it! Damn it, I am fighting the good fight and staying the course! I hope that Our President, et al will do the same!!!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Is it Friday yet? and what does that mean,anyway?

I need a vacation from my job. you know how it goes when you feel like you are just running through the motions, kind of phoning it in and not really aware or caring about the outcome. It's not that you don't enjoy your job on the whole or care about the future of your company or product, you are just a bit burned out and not able to be "the best at what you do" at the moment. It's time for a vacation. But what if your job is a 24/7 sort of deal? Then what? This is my job as a mother of a small child. I really love the work overall and wouldn't change it for any other. I am just feeling like I am not able to bring my top self to the position right now. Maybe it's because we as mothers (well, parents but let's be honest, primarily mothers are on duty at all times!) don't get the weekends off to rejuvenate for the week ahead. I try in my world to be a conscientious person and especially when it comes to my kid, I aim to be respectful and connected in my parenting style. But lately, I feel so all over the place in all things that being present and "mindful" has become an even bigger drain than I thought possible. And it's not J, believe me, if anything he is blossoming in new ways that make the delightfulness in parenting even more so. It's just me. And I really don't like being average at this job. I wanted this one more than anything else in my life ever. And now I have it and am eternally grateful. The problem is, if I had a job evaluation tomorrow (where surely I am the Boss reviewing it all, as I am my worse critic), I don't think I would get a lot of bonuses or praise, more likely at long list of "challenges" or "potentials". I don't need to be the straight A, overachiever, Type A kind of mommy either. Just wanna feel like I am giving the best that I can in any given situation. and I don't right now. Sure wish they would hand out paid vacations for Mamas. I think the world would be a better place if they did. Not only on a small scale at home, but man, If mamas were recognized that way on a global level, there would be this monumental glow all over the world. Anyway, so if there is a request box out there somewhere for mom's vacation needs, sign me up. I am ready and will be all the better for it. 

Friday, January 9, 2009

The (Un)social butterfly in me


So one of my friends was asking me what my weekend plans were and I replied, "I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon, and that's all..." then I smiled and added, "Just the way I like it!". She smiled back and said "man,  you have changed so much." and you know what, she is SO right. I was the queen of plans not so long ago. I mean, the kind of person who would have something like 5 or 7 things put into my day (never exercise, somehow) or at least in a weekend, plus something going on almost every night. And this was only maybe a year or so ago. But around January of 2008, I started to "go inside" and let a lot of my plans and obligations fall away. I was a little depressed but mostly just needed to go to the extreme opposite of where I had been. Pull in those boundaries and just concentrate on myself and my family and really take some down time, only venturing out when I really felt like it or absolutely had to go to an event. I don't mean I was some crazy lady who stayed in her bathrobe all day and ordered all her things including groceries online, though at times that did sound appealing. I just didn't need all the social engagements I used to participate in regularly. I quit all my book and movie clubs. I stopped raising my hands to volunteer for every little thing that came up. Just started saying "NO" to a lot. I let my friends know that it wasn't personal if I declined any number of invitations, just taking care of myself right now. It was a really good thing for me to do. And it lasted almost a year, and then slowly, I felt more up to doing more things socially. But truthfully, I still don't do nearly what I used to, we stay home a lot and I tend to like it that way, just puttering around the house or cooking or baking or watching a movie. It's way cheaper and my hubby and son are just natural born homebodies so I am fitting in just fine. The weekend feel more sacred to me now, a time to pull in from the week and just BE with my lovelies. I do feel a little sad sometimes that some of my friends have given up asking or thinking of me when making a social plan, and yes, I can ask too but mostly I am happy to be way more In than Out. Maybe it comes with age, who knows...but I will take my Un-crowded life any day....

PS Photo found on Flickr by someone called Moonbird and is titled "Time to go within".

Monday, January 5, 2009

Getting on the Hay ride







So this year started out a little surprising to me. I mean, once I really thought about it, it wasn't so surprising as I had been seeking and asking for more truth from the Universe but it hit me like a ton of bricks the evening of New Year's Day! I do not intend to share everything in my world here, but I will say that my eyes opened to some real truths in my life that I had been, thus far, managing to not truly see until this new year. I have been working to be more open and aware but just didn't expect such an Aha! moment so quickly. But there it was and I felt devastated for the next 24 hours. But then, through some wise words of a dear friend and through my own sense deep inside, I realized that I can take a positive approach to all that is coming up and see that, though there will be some very challenging times throughout this year, the year is about changing and opening further and living more authentically. There are so many opportunities here to be explored, ones that require a good deal of compassion and bravery but can push limits to their fullest potential. I am not trying to be so cryptic, I just have to keep some things to myself for now and also feel that you can all use these words to fill in your own _______s. I know that things in my life need to change but it often in that interim that is the hardest part of it all. Last night I watched the movie "you can heal  your life" based on the principles put out there in the Louise Hay book of the same name, only this movie had her and others, with very personal accounts of their own journey. I know that lots of people LOVED the  "what the bleep" and "the secret" movies, but they were a little too hokey for me, particularly the former. This one was lovely and very heart-centered and just furthered my positive twist on all things lately. If you have a hankering to spend 90 minutes watching something that fills you up with good ju-ju , I recommend this one. I am gonna spend more time looking over my books by LH and find the affirmations that speak to me right now.....have a lovely, hooey wooey day!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

My fun mosaic for the new year





My friend Jen did this great mosaic on her
blog, and she got it from this blog, and I just had to do it myself to see what I came up with and it turns out- I really like it! so it's going in here! You can learn how to do this here, and it did take me a long time and I will be honest and say that I didn't adhere strictly to the rules (i.e. changed wording a few times, didn't always find the image on the first page) but still I created something and made it what I wanted it to be...make yours YOURS as well...Enjoy! So here are the questions that relate to each picture (hint: make your answers as brief in words as possible order to find an image to match):
  1. looking back on 2008, what might the theme have been?
  2. If 2008 was a movie, who would play you?
  3. what is your greatest gift of 2008?
  4. what is your new year resolution, or what are you committing to this year?
  5. If January could be represented by one song, what would it be?
  6. What do you wish for your body in 2009?
  7. Name one new thing you would love to try in the new year.
  8. What do you long for 2009 to bring?
  9. If that happened, how would you feel?
  10. Where would you love to vacation in 2009 if money were no object?
  11. What would you like the theme of 2009 to be?
  12. If 2009 was a book, and the title was 5 words or less, what might the title be?