leaving stones unturned

I have an interesting homework assignment from my new therapist: Leaving some stones unturned. During our session, our first I might add, I began to unravel the ball of yarn that is my past, along with revealing that I have a tendency to constantly keep tabs on myself (i.e. continually turn over more and more "stones" to pile up all the things "unfinished", whether that be chores in my everyday life or more importantly, those things that are still a work in progress in the development of my own self worth/self love), making it all the harder not to feel like I am never doing/being enough! So she suggested that I try to have one day  in the next week where I take a break. Stop turning over stones. Let them all be and just be OK with where I am in each moment of that day. And even if I can't totally do that, then to see what comes up for me as I  try to quiet that inner voice that immediately wants to defeat/belittle/bully myself, gain some insight that way. It is such a strange thing to think that it will be a huge challenge for me to do this. I really want to. I am up to that task. And a little sad that this should even be such an issue for me. Yet, I am ready and willing to do this assignment (it speaks to my competitive, good student self when put into these terms, but whatever gets you there, right?) and most assuredly, I am excited and ready for my new counselling journey...I feel that this will be one of the most important ones I will ever go on.... I can just feel it....

Naked acceptance

Just a quickie but had to share this sweet example of someone offering love & acceptance while still being able to voice fears or apprehensions. 

As I am standing stark naked in the bathroom, facing my son after we have just emerged from  a shared  bath:

J: I don't like your scar on your tummy...or your belly button mama!

Me: That's OK honey, do they scare you?

J: Yes, a little.

(Then he looks me up and down and then meets my eyes and says,)

J: I really like the rest of you though, just not those parts!

I can live with that!!!

I love this woman!!

Today my lovely dear heart of a friend, C, and I decided to make some muffins. We have been planning to do some baking with alternative ingredients for ages and kept trying to make it happen, but as with many other things, it usually doesn't happen if we plan it and mostly only when the mood strikes us (and she pushes me a little too-thank you C!) Since I am eating gluten free, dairy free and sugar free (at least to the best of my abilities), we had a challenge before us. But we happened upon THIS amazing website and just went for it. There are many wonderful looking recipes here and I can't wait to try as many of them as possible, but today we went for the carrot cake, sort of. We made it as muffins and sub'd some of the carrot with Zucchini, and used walnut oil instead of grapeseed. We also didn't bother making the frosting (although that would be amazing to try next time!). These came out delicious...not sweet at all...next time we might even try to sweeten them up a bit more but the levels of flavor and texture are wonderful and this is a hardy muffin to boot. The woman who has made all of these lovely foods (Elana) is a goddess. I have been wanting to make something with coconut flour for a while now but couldn't figure out how to convert the recipes in this book to use agave or another alternative liquid sweetener instead of sugar or stevia (I am not a fan) but Elana has done this with so many yummy sounding treats, I can't wait to try them....the trick now will be a) not going nuts on baking things that still DO have fat and calories and b) being able to afford all the alternative ingredients (though my pantry is better stocked than some I suppose). But really this feels like just the inspiration I have needed to get unstuck in the kitchen again. I have been in a slump for a while. I have found other sites that I like too, but this one seems exceptional to me. I wonder if any of you have any favorites, food-wise or not, that really inspire you and get you going??

Get Out!!!!

Why must our mothers get so far into our heads? I feel like I have been doing fairly well lately as far as letting the small stuff go in regards to my relationship with my mother. I am 40 years old after all, you'd think that with so many years of processing what's mine and what's not, I'd be able to just let go and feel confident enough within myself so as not to be affected by ANYTHING my mother says or does. It was going along pretty smoothly too. Easily deflecting any biting or annoying remarks through humor or deep breaths or both. So why is that when I am feeling particularly shaky on the edge of that cliff called  self esteem, that THAT is when my mom decides I need more weight on my shoulders and lays one on me? It doesn't even matter that some of what she says may be true. It usually is. But it's the fact that whatever she is saying conveys a certain feeling that her confidence in me & my abilities is still ice thin and could shatter at any moment. Once again feeling that her love is conditional. In the sane part of me, I realize that this is just her stuff (fears,anxiety,lack of her own drama,etc) but the part of me that becomes insane feels like a little girl and a monster rolled up into one and I wanna scream, "Why can't you just love me and know that I will always be more than enough, come what may?!!" Part of our job in life is to make mistakes and (hopefully) learn from them and continue on in this manner. I know that she has seen me make some of the same mistakes over and over. I get that this is where some of her concerns come from, but I mean, really, I am not a total jerk, not strung out on drugs, or irresponsible in any major way that affects others and I always try to take responsibility for my actions, no matter what the outcome. And I rarely ask HER for anything anymore. I even said to her, "Why do you say these things and hound me about stuff I haven't completed yet? Don't you know that I already go over this in my own head every day? I don't do this to you, EVER." I long so much to just have a friendship with my  mother, like my other lovely friends with whom I share a confidence and love that is always uplifting and supportive and never demeaning and fear based. As one lovely soul told me today "It is your mom's pain and unconsciousness. You are perfect just the way you are." I realized that this is very true and in my heart of hearts I KNOW this, but does it ever get any easier when the one bringing you down is your mother????

Where is the love?

Ahhhhh...the boy is sleeping and my hubby has gone off to the cinema..finally some space to blog....the thing that has been nagging at me all day is a curious one, and as I continue to ponder it, I feel less and less confident about sharing it here (mostly because it shows a side of me I am not proud of!) and I hope I won't lose readers but rather gain some followers who are glad it's me being honest & out there instead of them. And so here goes, in hopes of some sort of clarity or at least maybe some insightful input from you, my lovely readers. Ok. So, I have this client (I will call her Andi) who I photographed a year ago for her maternity pictures. When she came to my house last year, I was shocked at how she looked. She was about 8 months pregnant and though her belly was full, she looked like a twelve year old (except for her wrinkles on her face gave her age to be more like late 30's). I mean, she was SOOO tiny and frail looking. I am used to being a larger person among women most of the time but this was extreme. And when I photograph women late in their pregnancies, that is part of the beauty of it is all their lovely fullness and curves that come out to glow. I managed to get through the session and make her feel comfortable (I believe this truly) and she was genuinely pleased with the outcome of the shoot. I would communicate with her periodically throughout the year (I had agreed to let her use 1/2 roll of film for maternity & 1/2 for newborn shots which turned into 1 yr shots)and I was definitely aware that I felt some sort of trigger anytime she wrote me ( she is quite particular, but I am used to this in my line of work) and then today we met up for the rest of the pictures. All week long I was sort of dreading it and not exactly sure why, other than my normal nervousness before a session & knowing I wasn't making any more money on it (when we really could use it). I think I thought my dread was simply due to these reasons(& maybe that we didn't have that magic connection that I absolutely love about some of my clients' sessions). But when I saw her again today, I remembered why I had such a hard time being around her. I am genuinely uncomfortable around people that look so anorexically skinny to me! I don't know for a fact that she IS anorexic. I don't know her at all but I have several very thin friends & this feels completely different. Now, I realize that most of the issues surrounding eating disorders are similar whether one goes to the one extreme (anorexia) or the  other (Obesity/overeater/binger). I am still grappling with some of my own that have led me to binge or stuff emotions or try to have control over things so I do get it. But for some reason there is a disconnect from the usual, consciously non-judgemental & compassionate self that I strive to be, and I am so bothered by that! I can see people on the street who weigh 400 pounds and immediately feel their pain and send them peace and love without a second thought...or on TV (Biggest loser and so on) and cry for them and feel so thankful for their bravery and honesty...even a show about anorexia can lead me down this path...but up close and personal seems to be a different matter...I will say that while both Andi and her husband "Ethan" are small,( I even joked to my Steve that I could fit both of them in my own body, give or take a leg or so) they have (and adore) a lovely healthy looking sweet baby with plenty of chub to love ...but it is mostly Andi that triggers me...I wish I could say I feel an epiphany coming on from admitting this out in cyberspace, but I can't....I know this goes deeper but I will have to just try to stay open to the lesson about myself in all of this.....It must be a big one because I can't stop thinking about my reaction to this and my guilt over not being able to come back to the compassion I long to feel....maybe it's got something to do with this: as I learn to peel away all my own layers from years of covering and protecting in my own body, it is hard for me to see someone so clearly "unprotected", like a complete foil to the person who has been me.....I dunno, still working on this one........thoughts, insights,personal stories,criticsms (she says as she cringes)???

The honeymoon is over....

I have been in a virtually blissful state for the past 4 months concerning my food intake and overall life changes, forging ahead and happy that it has felt relatively easy peasy! Enter evil food cravings.  Over there is a heap of self loathing and doubt. Straight ahead look for bumps and curves in the road (body) that scream for repair! I guess it was bound to happen but I am so sick of my food choices (or lack thereof!). The truth is I can be making much more choices than I give myself because a) there are more grains and veggies to discover and explore if I would take the time and energy to prepare them, b) I haven't really put items back into my repertoire since starting the inflammation diet back in October and c) I could go get some more testing done to determine what foods I have sensitivity towards since I have not been feeling all that great even off all the main culprits (I sense there is something I still consume that isn't my friend!). And of course there is my oh-so-long-ago abandoned exercising self that deserves some time in the ring again. I am just frustrated. I ate a few bites of wheat and dairy the other day and also some sugar and guess what? I WAS A BEAR THIS MORNING! I seemed to have lost my peaceful state of mind that I was loving so much as of late....could be the full moon, could be my own moon cycle, or a host of other things but I am guessing that it is indeed, yep, almost sure it is, SUGAR & wheat & dairy...ugh!!! This too shall pass I know but for now I am just gonna let myself feel the frustration and hope that it leads to further commitment and strides forward. So, tell me ,dear readers, what have you fallen out of love with lately???

Baby steps in all directions....

Does not mean running in circles!! An overall confidence is building within me. I can feel it and I lovingly glance over at it and then softly smile to myself  a few times a day now. It's love, really. A love that is growing a little bit stronger and deeper each day.

 Yesterday in therapy, we discussed my procrastination & inevitable self criticism that follows, trying to get under it to the root. What came out was earth moving for me. A sort of Aha!. Not entirely surprising when you think about it, but it hit me to the core. Throughout my life I've done this circle dance where I know I want to do something (or take care of/start/finish something) but keep avoiding it and then every time I notice it or think about it, feel all kinds of bad about myself and get quickly "self-defeated" and drained. Well, after answering a few questions with my therapist, she showed me how I am just continually repeating the ways that I was parented in regards to handling a task or starting a project and so on. If I do something, I will tend to feel like "gee I could've probably done that better" or just not remember any sense of accomplishment I have felt before (therefore taking forever to get around to finishing anything). So, with this logic, deep inside somewhere I learned that a) The only way to get me to do something is to continually criticize myself and try to coerce myself until I get it done, and then b) tell myself that I didn't really succeed as it wasn't up to standards. Well, why the hell would ANYONE want to do anything if someone else was using this technique on them? What would be the point anyway, if only met by impossible-to-please expectations and disapproval. 

So, in learning this about myself, my job now is to work towards being a better parent to myself, creating a balance between  loving acceptance and inspiring crusader in all my moves towards change or accomplishment. It completely makes sense that I would have learned this way. From a young age, I haven't felt like I have been shown how to do things with this supportive energy, but rather told to do something and then fail miserably, only to be yelled at or pushed (but without the net below). I am not interested in blaming my parents these days, instead wanting  deeper understanding so as to keep re-working what hasn't worked for me and try very hard NOT to pass it on to my own child. So here the work really begins...but as with most things, baby steps will get me there and I will be all the better for it, if I take my time and stay conscious and clear about what matters- LOVE ABOVE ALL ELSE!