My 2010 New Year's Mosaic- reflecting & envisioning

Happy New Year All!  Last year, as part of a new year's vision/reflection board I made a collage. I got the idea from this brilliant friend, and this year I did another one. You can make your collage here, and the questions to get you started are below. I included my answers as well. The idea is to try to answer the questions in as little words as possible. Then head to Flickr to get your images by typing in that word in the search window and trying to pick an image from the first page if possible, but do what feels right to you (I spent way too many hours being very picky about what I chose). But in the end I kinda like it...it's fun to do, and the questions get you thinking too...try it and if you do and you wanna share, send me a link to yours, I'd love it. 

1. Looking back on 2009, what might the theme have been? Awakening
2. If 2009 was a movie, who would play you? Marion Cottilard
3. What was your greatest gift of 2009? Reconnections/ Courage
4. What is your New Year Resolution, or, what are you committing to this year? Growth/ Inner Truths 
5. If January could be represented by one song, what would it be? Tapes by Alanis Morissette
6. What do you wish for your body in 2010? Health/Movement
7. Name one new thing you would love to try in the New Year.  Zumba
8. What do you long for 2010 to bring? Determined Spirit, Self LoveAcceptance,Perseverance, Stamina
9. If that happened, how would you feel? Peaceful
10. Where would you love to vacation in 2010 if money were no object? Hawaii
11. What would you like the theme of 2010 to be? Breakthroughs
12. If 2010 was a book, and the title was 5 words or less, what might the title be.  Blessed with Light and Love.

The Feast of all feasts

Well, hello. It's been a while, huh?! I hope to get back to writing more regularly but I guess I have just been more internal as of late, and when I am outward it is on a more one to one basis, with a loved one or a therapist of various kinds, so for now I just wanted to share a poem that I wrote many years ago but when I came across it today in a cluttered drawer, I felt the need to share it on this week of Thanksgiving. May each and every one of you have a glorious, deeply fulfilling holiday!

I smile when I think about My "Feast of all feasts". It would be a very special night, for all around me at the table sit my loved ones, my family. Some from my family of origin, some my chosen family~but in all, those I hold dearest in my heart & with whom I feel the most comfortable being "Me". The circle around the table has no room for gossip or judgements, no place set for ill will and negative reinforcements~ Only large helpings of love, respect, compassion & kindness. Plenty of understanding & awareness, and an abundance of goodwill and joy at each place. I feel warm & enveloped in this banquet, this feast of familial bonds. Finally my hunger is gone, my needs are filled, my plate is full & I crave nothing more. I am nourished and never need to deprive or binge again~ It is all there in perfect proportions. Balanced and Whole.

What I am

As I am continuing to work on areas of self acceptance, I sometimes feel like I am walking in a landmine....just as I start to think I have gotten those demeaning voices out of my head, I realize they are lurking just around the bend in a different form but still super powered and stealthy...I go about my day, feeling like I have nothing to show for it but that frame of mind doesn't serve me and I would like to let it go.... so for today I am just going to try to be. I am going to let myself know that while I may be a hugely complicated, variety of things (read: energies, ideas, emotions, etc.), I don't need to place my value on all things exterior...deep inside is what counts and where all that great stuff is...

I am not a sink full of dirty dishes and a sticky kitchen floor

I am  not piles of laundry that have yet to be done and put away

I am not the closets waiting to be organized

I am not messy desk or the paperwork to file

I am not all those recipes that haven't been explored yet

I am not the phone calls I do or don't make

I am not my current stained, wrinkled "Goodwill worthy" wardrobe 

I am not the times I don't floss or exercise or say the right thing

I am not bills not attended to or budget out of whack

I am not losing or gaining weight

I am not a "productive" day

I am a deep, kind, thinking, feeling, loving, living,soul-searching being

there is where the value is and has always been...see it...believe it...embrace it....

leaving stones unturned

I have an interesting homework assignment from my new therapist: Leaving some stones unturned. During our session, our first I might add, I began to unravel the ball of yarn that is my past, along with revealing that I have a tendency to constantly keep tabs on myself (i.e. continually turn over more and more "stones" to pile up all the things "unfinished", whether that be chores in my everyday life or more importantly, those things that are still a work in progress in the development of my own self worth/self love), making it all the harder not to feel like I am never doing/being enough! So she suggested that I try to have one day  in the next week where I take a break. Stop turning over stones. Let them all be and just be OK with where I am in each moment of that day. And even if I can't totally do that, then to see what comes up for me as I  try to quiet that inner voice that immediately wants to defeat/belittle/bully myself, gain some insight that way. It is such a strange thing to think that it will be a huge challenge for me to do this. I really want to. I am up to that task. And a little sad that this should even be such an issue for me. Yet, I am ready and willing to do this assignment (it speaks to my competitive, good student self when put into these terms, but whatever gets you there, right?) and most assuredly, I am excited and ready for my new counselling journey...I feel that this will be one of the most important ones I will ever go on.... I can just feel it....

Naked acceptance

Just a quickie but had to share this sweet example of someone offering love & acceptance while still being able to voice fears or apprehensions. 

As I am standing stark naked in the bathroom, facing my son after we have just emerged from  a shared  bath:

J: I don't like your scar on your tummy...or your belly button mama!

Me: That's OK honey, do they scare you?

J: Yes, a little.

(Then he looks me up and down and then meets my eyes and says,)

J: I really like the rest of you though, just not those parts!

I can live with that!!!

I love this woman!!

Today my lovely dear heart of a friend, C, and I decided to make some muffins. We have been planning to do some baking with alternative ingredients for ages and kept trying to make it happen, but as with many other things, it usually doesn't happen if we plan it and mostly only when the mood strikes us (and she pushes me a little too-thank you C!) Since I am eating gluten free, dairy free and sugar free (at least to the best of my abilities), we had a challenge before us. But we happened upon THIS amazing website and just went for it. There are many wonderful looking recipes here and I can't wait to try as many of them as possible, but today we went for the carrot cake, sort of. We made it as muffins and sub'd some of the carrot with Zucchini, and used walnut oil instead of grapeseed. We also didn't bother making the frosting (although that would be amazing to try next time!). These came out delicious...not sweet at all...next time we might even try to sweeten them up a bit more but the levels of flavor and texture are wonderful and this is a hardy muffin to boot. The woman who has made all of these lovely foods (Elana) is a goddess. I have been wanting to make something with coconut flour for a while now but couldn't figure out how to convert the recipes in this book to use agave or another alternative liquid sweetener instead of sugar or stevia (I am not a fan) but Elana has done this with so many yummy sounding treats, I can't wait to try them....the trick now will be a) not going nuts on baking things that still DO have fat and calories and b) being able to afford all the alternative ingredients (though my pantry is better stocked than some I suppose). But really this feels like just the inspiration I have needed to get unstuck in the kitchen again. I have been in a slump for a while. I have found other sites that I like too, but this one seems exceptional to me. I wonder if any of you have any favorites, food-wise or not, that really inspire you and get you going??

Get Out!!!!

Why must our mothers get so far into our heads? I feel like I have been doing fairly well lately as far as letting the small stuff go in regards to my relationship with my mother. I am 40 years old after all, you'd think that with so many years of processing what's mine and what's not, I'd be able to just let go and feel confident enough within myself so as not to be affected by ANYTHING my mother says or does. It was going along pretty smoothly too. Easily deflecting any biting or annoying remarks through humor or deep breaths or both. So why is that when I am feeling particularly shaky on the edge of that cliff called  self esteem, that THAT is when my mom decides I need more weight on my shoulders and lays one on me? It doesn't even matter that some of what she says may be true. It usually is. But it's the fact that whatever she is saying conveys a certain feeling that her confidence in me & my abilities is still ice thin and could shatter at any moment. Once again feeling that her love is conditional. In the sane part of me, I realize that this is just her stuff (fears,anxiety,lack of her own drama,etc) but the part of me that becomes insane feels like a little girl and a monster rolled up into one and I wanna scream, "Why can't you just love me and know that I will always be more than enough, come what may?!!" Part of our job in life is to make mistakes and (hopefully) learn from them and continue on in this manner. I know that she has seen me make some of the same mistakes over and over. I get that this is where some of her concerns come from, but I mean, really, I am not a total jerk, not strung out on drugs, or irresponsible in any major way that affects others and I always try to take responsibility for my actions, no matter what the outcome. And I rarely ask HER for anything anymore. I even said to her, "Why do you say these things and hound me about stuff I haven't completed yet? Don't you know that I already go over this in my own head every day? I don't do this to you, EVER." I long so much to just have a friendship with my  mother, like my other lovely friends with whom I share a confidence and love that is always uplifting and supportive and never demeaning and fear based. As one lovely soul told me today "It is your mom's pain and unconsciousness. You are perfect just the way you are." I realized that this is very true and in my heart of hearts I KNOW this, but does it ever get any easier when the one bringing you down is your mother????